My mom always says you are only as happy as your least happy child. I would like to add that you also worry for your children way more than they could ever worry about themselves. I know that worrying is life sucking and counter productive, but I have been struggling with it a lot lately.
Before I had children, not much weighed on my mind. Nothing really caused me to have crippling anxiety. Not even trying to get through law school and pass the bar. Once I started having children, I have become a huge bundle of nerves.
I worry about them constantly. I look at Wren and worry about her little heart. Is it working too hard? Is it getting worse? How will I be able to bear sending her off to surgery? Will I have the courage to smile at her and be encouraging? What about the risks? What if she dies from complications?
Last night I thought the weight of it all would consume me. As I laid in bed, I knew sleep would not come as long as I continued worrying. So I got up, grabbed my iPhone with its trusty rosary app, and silently padded into Wren’s nursery. I looked at Wren sleeping sweetly in her crib without a care on her mind. I knelt by her crib and silently prayed my rosary. As I was nearing the end of the rosary, she started stirring. I finished my rosary as she began to wake. I ducked down below the mattress so she wouldn’t see me. Then, I realized that I had reached a conundrum in that she would spot me if I tried to sneak out of her room. I saw the little furry top of her head bobbing up and down as she tried to peer over her bumper. I don’t know how, but she knew I was there. I slowly peeked over the mattress at her. She looked at me and her whole face broke into a huge grin. I pulled her into my arms and held her close, tears of joy trickling down my cheeks. Without a doubt in my mind, the most precious gifts that have come out of our marriage are our children. And I did nothing to deserve them. My gratitude goes beyond words.
So I have come to the decision that I am going to exchange my worry for gratitude. Gratitude for these precious souls entrusted to me, and a stronger resolve to raise them accordingly. Every day I have with them is a gift, even the ones where I am cleaning up poop most of the day. They are worth all that and more. I don’t know what the future holds for Wren, but I do know she has two parents that love her dearly and want all that is good for her. I will not let my worry weigh me down and rob me of all the joy my children bring me.
Do not worry. The future is not in our hands. We have no power over it. We can act only today. We have a sentence in our Constitution that says: ‘We will allow the good God to make plans for the future – for yesterday has gone, tomorrow has not yet come and we have only today to make Him known, loved and served.’ So we do not worry about the future.