I considered myself an authority on most things mommy (when it comes to babies) when my oldest became a toddler. However, the more children I have, the more I feel like I have no idea what the heck I am doing. Take, for example, my youngest child, Wren. Wren is six months old. She has taken a bottle once in those six months. It was a wonderful evening in May. Daddy took her from me so that I could cook dinner. She was hungry, and I handed him a bottle. She drank the whole thing after screaming for only about five minutes. The thing is, she hasn’t done that since, and Scott does not remember what special magic, if any, he worked on her.
When I go to the pediatrician, the nurse asks me if I have any questions or concerns for pediatrician. I tell her that Wren won’t take a bottle. The nurse inevitably follows that question up with: is she formula fed or breast fed? I tell her that she drinks formula from my breast. She writes that down. I begin to suspect that she is not listening to me.
Our pediatrician is a tough love kind of guy and suggested that I take a weekend vacation without the kids. That way, Wren will be faced with the tough decision of taking the bottle or spending a very hungry weekend. Which will it be, Wren? The Lady or the Tiger? I love our pediatrician, but shockingly this will not be the solution we shall be putting in action. Any solutions my dear readers have to offer would be much appreciated.
In the meantime, I will share with you my cautionary tale about how to get your baby NOT to take a bottle.
Step One: spend the first three months of your baby’s life never offering her a bottle for fear of the dreaded nipple confusion.
Step Two: Offer your three month old a bottle for the first time with formula in it because you hate pumping with the passion of a hundred fiery suns. Give up immediately when the baby refuses it.
Step Three: Leave your three month old with your parents for the first time while you go off on a date with your husband. Leave them for six hours (we went to dinner and a baseball game) with bottles, formula, and hopefully good luck. Pretend to be shocked when your distraught parents tell you that she had a huge tantrum and has not eaten in six hours. Shellshocked parents swear to never try and give her a bottle again.
Step Four: Try every bottle known to man. Watch her angrily refuse them all.
Step Five: Despair.